ushinawareta tsubasa wo sagashite...

in other news...

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 23:42:46 GMT

I decided that I wanted more user pics for a website that I rarely use. So, I have upgraded to a Plus Account. That way, I don't have to pay anything extra for one of those fancy Paid Accounts. The only catch is that advertisements will be displayed on my journal now.

Apparently, I am a whore and have sold out to the man.

everything on fire... again

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 23:38:10 GMT

Another month without touching this damned thing. Meh. The response I got from my last post upset me so much I chose to stay away for awhile. "Heh" beginning a response that is allegedly supposed to support me and make me feel warm and fuzzy does just the opposite. Sorry hun, you made me feel like shit. There is a chance that the meds could jump-start my ovaries. Let me cling to that hope. Granted, two months out and still nothing, but there's a chance. I'm through denying what I have, but I still know that some parts of it may be managed and may be reversible in some cases.

There, I'm done with that.

Now, on to other misery.

Southern California is bombarded by wildfire. Again. For the second time in four years my parents are facing evacuations and the possible loss of their home. Five days in, they are still under a voluntary evacuation order, and things are beginning to look hopeful for them. The fire immediately threatening them is now 40% contained. Sadly, I can't say the same for other parts of the state. Seeing the devastation from these fires is just heartbreaking. I have been keeping up on the local mountain news, checking message boards, tracking where the fires are with Google Maps after reading reports of this house being gone, or this street still safe, etc. The cabin we used to own when I was younger in Green Valley Lake is a goner. I'm positive of it. The ski slope that was right in our backyard was confirmed to be ablaze at one point. Honestly, this is the closest to home these fires have hit. Sure, I've been worried about my parents and grandparents homes in Crestline, but this is a real loss. I actually had good childhood memories up there; a rarity for me, it seems. Granted, it is also the reason I get bad feelings every Thanksgiving; I almost drowned in the icy lake one Thanksgiving, but very lucky for me that Pop got me out in time.

Anyway, I digressed. Seeing how much destruction has happened in San Diego County is just horrendous. So many displaced families, and entire neighborhoods gone. I think most of one town is pretty much devastated. At least the evacuees at Qualcomm are being treated well; gourmet food, massages, and the like.

If anyone is interested in seeing what is going on with the fires, check out FireUpdate for information on fires in all SoCal areas, or RimOfTheWorld for information specific to the mountains. They are both amazing sites, and I'm indebted to them for providing such wonderful, detailed information.

more things to increase my depression and anxiety

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 15:10:45 GMT

It's been probably a month since I've even looked at this thing. I've been playing a lot of WoW (go figure), occasionally peeking in at Deckeon and even less occasionally at Moongate (Materia Magica - don't get me started), but haven't gathered the energy to actually do much in the way to typing.

My brother spent about two weeks in ICU after developing sepsis and having his temperature peak at 106F. He was in a drug-induced coma for about half of that. I was talking with Anna probably twice daily getting updates. It would have been so much easier if he was in the same state... I could have at least gone to see him. The parents went out there in case any sort of legal decision needed to be made. Chris, understandably, was not happy to see the mother there. He really doesn't want to see her. I have talked to him a few times in the past week; Chris is out of ICU now - he shoulda been sent home by now. Thankfully he's doing much better now.

If you didn't guess, I'm not all the great. I'm in another emotional slump, depressed again, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Randomly, I get so depressed. I don't think there's any hope for me; therapy wasn't helping, so I stopped for the moment. Meds seems to be the next thing. I'm not taking any more pills. I went to a reproductive endocrinologist to find out why that particular organ system was not working. It turns out that I am insulin resistant. Basically, that means that my cells don't react to the "normal" amount of insulin, causing more and more insulin to be made to get the glucose I eat (sugar and simple carbs) to be absorbed. So, I'm now taking a med called metformin. This is a condition that can be reversed, and there's a chance that fixing this will also fix my ovaries. Until then, I have provera again to induce a period if (when) I don't get one on my own. If this doesn't fix things, my only course of action is infertility treatments.

There isn't much else that I can think of immediately. I think I'll randomly kill things in WoW.

the zeitgeist

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 22:43:49 GMT

So, Larry and I return from our pilgrimage to San Francisco to be enveloped in the moment I had waited seven years for: to see Smashing Pumpkins again in concert. *falls to the floor*

I know, there are plenty of people who bitch because James Iha and D'Arcy are not involved. True; I'm just as bummed that James is not involved. Never again will I hear Blew Away live. Some of my favorite Pumpkins songs are ones that James had a part in. Believe and ...Said Sadly are two of my favorites. However, I do concede that Billy is the egomaniac behind Smashing Pumpkins, and I will always follow wherever that glorious bald-headed man goes.

The current line-up of the Smashing Pumpkins is as follows: Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin. That's it. The liner notes of the album list Jimmy as performing on drums and Billy performing everything else. Touring with the band is Jeff Schroeder on guitar, Ginger Reyes on bass, and Lisa Harriton on keyboards (publicity hasn't really been given to an SP touring keyboardist since Jonathan Melvoin OD'd in New York with Jimmy). Ginger and Lisa are also providing backing vocals during concerts. I'm mixed about the whole 'touring musicians' thing. It gives me some vague hope that some of the previous members would return. Seeing SP with the original line-up would be so incredible. I've never had that privilege. When I saw them in 1998, the line-up was Billy, James, D'Arcy, and Matt Walker (from Filter) on drums (Matt did perform on Adore, but he wasn't an official part of the band and only appeared courtesy of his record label). In 2000, the line-up was Billy, James, Jimmy, and Melissa Auf der Maur (D'Arcy bailed after recording for Machina was finished, and Melissa was just filling in since they all knew the end was nigh before the official break-up announcement on 05/23/2000 - the exact day I saw them in concert... I believe Billy was on air with Jed on KROQ when he announced it, but I was too busy being a freakish fan listening to Pumpkins CD's in the car). Now, in 2007, I still get an abridged version of the band. Well, life is like that sometimes. I have nothing to complain about.

My excitement over the mere idea of a reunion was so immense. Granted, I "knew" that 2007 would be the year they returned based on cryptic messages in the liner art of Machina (don't ask, seriously), but I got so excited when Billy ran the ad in Chicago stating his intent in 2005. I did what any freakish fan would: I scoured the internet for "insider" information (all the way down to a guy who knows a guy who saw a guy who claims that he saw James in a veterinarian's office and stated that he would be back in the band). The information released wasn't encouraging for a "true" SP reunion, but the essence of the band remains. I went through You Tube following each of their European performances to see if I could hear any new songs (Gossamer is fucking awesome.. now we just need to find a studio version on B-side). Then, Larry and I find Zeitgeist at Rhino Records (who broke street date by five days). I'll be honest: the album didn't speak to me immediately. But, a lot of that was the hype I instilled in myself. Listening to it multiple times, and I really dig it now. I'm not ashamed to say that I didn't like it immediately; the same thing happened to me with Adore.

So, I do what any fanatic would do: I journey 400 miles to see my favorite bad at the first opportunity possible. So what if the only show I could get tickets for is in the middle of the week? I'll take a week off work. Was it worth it? Oh hell yes it was.

The show was at the Fillmore. The Fillmore. This is a historic venue; Big Brother and the Holding Company (the first band Janis Joplin appeared in) performed here in 1968. It was amazing. There was a dancefloor, a partition for the burly security to stand behind, and then the stage. Larry and I bought our swag (the best $50 I ever spent on a t-shirt), and situated ourselves as close as we could get. I would say that we were less than 40 feet from the stage, situated in the center of the floor just to Billy's right. Oh My God. It was the closest I had ever been to them. I was so ecstatic; I was screaming, and swooning, and bouncing around. I resembled a teenager seeing the Beetles for the first time in America (you know). Only, I was sporting deep red lipstick and showing ample amounts of glorious cleavage.

After enduring 45 minutes of an emo-tastic performance by local San Francisco band War Tapes (the lead singer, trying way to hard to look intimidating and serious in his faux SS-inspired outfit, has been dubbed by Larry and I as "Emo-Hitler"), and another 15 minutes of set changes, the band finally came on stage. And then passed the three greatest hours I have experienced in quite some time. I can't say it was the greatest, since getting married does top that list now. Previously, the concert in 2000 topped that list. Of course, the final encore of Mayonaise at the 2000 show is still the greatest musical moment ever. And Bullet with Butterfly Wings in 1998 was incredible. Personally, my highlights for this show include With Every Light and the audience sing-along of 33. The final encore of Silverfuck was just fierce. The entire show was thrilling, and I am so sad it went by so quickly.

The entire show was just amazing. It was incredible. I have no real words to accurately describe just how wonderful it was. It was Smashing Pumpkins. It's not quite the same without James, he has a signature style that is hard to replicate, but they were true to the sound and to the essence of the band.

oh, wow... swoon

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 15:05:46 GMT

U.S. release date: 07/10/2007

Erin and Larry find it randomly: 07/05/2007

Erin is a happy girl.

life continues

Sun, 27 May 2007 07:28:48 GMT

Well, here's the latest on my medical maladies. The blood test to check for a certain cancer marker, CA125, came back normal. That's great, but after doing more research I found out that it was not a reliable test for early detection. So, I guess it was useless. My follow-up ultrasound has been scheduled for next Friday. I am really hoping that it will be gone, but I don't think so. My doctor did an abdominal exam when I was in the other day, and it really hurt when she pressed down in the area of my right ovary. I have been having abdominal pain and discomfort, mainly on the left side, for about a month and a half. For those keeping track, that's the opposite side that the cyst is on. That was the main reason why I went into the doctor this last time. I figured that while I was in, I would just complain about everything at one. My doctor has ordered up a CT scan for me, to see what is causing the pain I'm having. She said that it may be my large intestine. They bled me again, this time to check my kidneys (results came back normal... which I am very grateful for considering all the kidney problems Pop and now Chris are having). I came out of there with three new meds (I really hate meds, but I'm getting desperate). I got Pepcid for my persistent heartburn, antibiotics for a not-so-fun infection, and diet pills. My weight is becoming a real issue. I keep eating because I'm so fucking depressed, and Dr. Choi says that all this relatively sudden weight gain is why my periods went screwy. So, I got a month's supply of speed. I'll go back into the doctor's in a month, and see how it's going. And since diet pills are an amphetamine, I absolutely must not get knocked up while taking these things. Well, my track record thus far on not getting knocked up is pretty good, so no real worry there. *sigh* I just need to lose this weight, and hopefully everything (figuratively) gets back to normal.

On top of all of this, I developed a bit of a cold yesterday. So I am taking new meds, and sick. It makes it hard to discern what is a side-effect and what is me just feeling icky.

I really should be in bed... but I dunno. My mind is too active for sleep.

My uncle, Grandma's second brother Stanley, passed away last night. Mom called late this morning to tell me. He had developed tuberculosis of the spine, and spent his last couple weeks in the hospital. I'm not exactly sure what tuberculosis of the spine entails, but I really doubt it was pleasant for him. I'm not really sure how I feel. I feel bad for not crying. I got misty-eyed, but no tears. He was a really nice guy, and a great artist. He did wood carvings of animals. I worry about how Grandma is taking it. She's been so weak and sickly the past year. I need to call her tomorrow.

OMG! squeals

Sun, 20 May 2007 23:03:41 GMT

EVENT/ITEM:
The Smashing Pumpkins
Fillmore
San Francisco, CA
Wed, Jul 18, 2007 09:00 PM

QTY:
2

TYPE:
Full Price Ticket

SEC:
GENADM

DESCRIPTION:
General Admission Ticket

Do you realize what this means? I'm going to see Billy! *screams* It's been seven years since I've seen the Pumpkins in concert last, and in two months the wait will be over. It's a six and a half hour drive up to San Francisco, but it will so be worth it! It's so exciting; I've never been up there before, and the Fillmore is legendary. Larry and I are already trying to figure out the logistics: where to say, how many days to take off work (the show is on a Wednesday - the weekend shows sold out like crazy).

I'm so giddy, I can barely contain myself.

an update to things

Wed, 16 May 2007 04:11:39 GMT

I'm being assured that this cyst I have is nothing to worry about. They claim that it is too small to be anything serious, and will most likely go away on its own. Even though they say that it probably isn't malignant, they are humoring me and have sent an order for a blood test to the lab to check for a specific cancer marker. All I have to do is head over and get it done. A follow-up ultrasound is also being ordered so see if this thing has indeed gone away. I still don't know if this has an effect on some other things going on (or not going on, as it were). My doctor continues to pass me off onto the nurses. I have talked to six different nurses regarding this, each time getting a little more of the picture. It took six nurses and three weeks for someone to finally order the follow-up that I needed.

I think that I'm taking everything fairly well. It's that whole "don't feel anything" response, that mode I went into everytime my Pop got sick and went into the hospital. I have a constant sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach, but I know my brain can't process any of this. If something bad does come out of all of this, I really am afraid of how I would react. I'm not severely emotionally unstable, but I'm unstable enough for it to not go very well.

suddenly, i have the urge to type something

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 04:46:07 GMT

I've eluded to it for awhile... not here on LJ, since I haven't posted anything since January (sorry)... but to the people I've talked to via other mediums: something hasn't been right with me for quite a few months. Aside from the daily headaches (I stopped taking my medication at the end of January - it make me too loopy to function properly), something just wasn't right with me. Finally, mostly because she was humoring me I'm sure, my doctor ordered tons of blood work to check hormone levels and referred me to radiology for an ultrasound. Hormone levels all came back "within normal ranges," and the ultrasound was a new experience.

I found out earlier today that the ultrasound revealed "a complex cyst on the right ovary that is possibly hemorrhagic." There's a cyst on my ovary, that is possibly filled with blood.

Yeah.

I feel completely numb. I really don't know how to feel about this. Since a nurse contacted me to let me know the results (because I called, leaving a message asking for the results... silly me), I have yet to talk to my doctor about it. Supposedly, she will be calling me tomorrow. As of right now, I don't know how serious this is, what needs to be done, how this will affect me, anything. I have no idea what I should be thinking or feeling... I just don't know...

i want to cry

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 04:38:11 GMT

From the Smashing Pumpkins' My Space page, posted today on their blog...

*****OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT*****

The Smashing Pumpkins have made their first official announcement of an appearance in 2007. The band will headline both Rock am Ring (6/2/07) and Rock im Park (6/3/07) Festivals in Germany. Tickets are available beginning on Saturday, January 27, 2007. Tickets can be purchased by visiting http://www.tickets-per-post.de/tickets-per-post/Main.php. Check out the festival website for more information http://www.rock-am-ring.com. Stay tuned for many more announcements…

I genuinely do want to cry. I have been waiting six years for this moment, and they announce two shows in Germany. *sigh*

haven't done one of these in a long time

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 21:39:39 GMT

Your results:
You are Mystique

Mystique		61%
Catwoman		57%
Dark Phoenix		55%
Magneto		51%
Riddler		50%
The Joker		48%
Apocalypse		47%
Poison Ivy		46%
Venom		43%
Dr. Doom		42%
Two-Face		41%
Lex Luthor		37%
Juggernaut		37%
Mr. Freeze		33%
Green Goblin		33%
Kingpin		30%

Sometimes motherly, sometimes a beautiful companion, but most of the time a deceiving vixen.

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain are you?" quiz...

christmas greetings

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:57:18 GMT

There has not been an update in two months, the longest I have ever gone without posting at least something inane. I continue to not do very well, but such is life. My brother is much worse off at the moment, and I worry about him a lot. I doubt that is making me feel any better, and having him two thousand miles away isn't helping much either. All I can do is take his word for it that he isn't in any pain and get regular updates. At least he is calling me regularly now. If a serious medical condition is what it takes to call your sister... *sigh* I just hope that he will be okay. Me? I don't know if I'll be okay or not. Still no idea what causes my headaches, and I just don't feel well. Larry and I as an entity, Larin if you will, are doing fine. We had a good Christmas, received some nice presents, some cash from my family. Larry was sneaky and hid presents so I wouldn't know I was getting other things.

Merry Christmas.

six months and counting

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 05:02:21 GMT

Today Larry and I reached our first six months of marriage, and almost the entire time I have been ill in some way or another. I've been very happy... so glad that I met him, and married him. He is really the best thing that could have ever happened to me, and I am so grateful to have discovered him. Yes, I did discover him, like he was an archeological find in the Egyptian desert. :P

But, my headaches have persisted, my depression is fluxuating weekly. I hope that my headaches will improve. I am on medication for them now, perscribed by an actual neurologist, not a nurse practitioner in neurologists clothing. The Neurology department actually wanted me to go back to that horrid lady for my follow-up appointment, and I told them that I would no way, under no circumstances, be going back to her again. That was the only way I actually got to see a real doctor. And he was the nicest guy. He was a nerd doctor, too! He had a big picture of Rogue on his wall, and a Darth Varder statue on his bookcase. It was cool. We had a conversation about how X-3 sucked. The best part was that he actually listened to me, and talked at length with me about the different medications and the side effects of them all. So, what I am now taking is an anti-seizure medication called Topamax. It's been FDA approved for the treatment of headaches in smaller doses. This is my fourth day on the meds, still working my way up to my full dose. Today was my first day with half of the dose. So, needless to day, they have not really taken effect yet. Except for the fact that they make me dizzy and leave me with this fuzzy feeling... like my brain is working kinda slower than it should. That was one of those side effects that were described to me, so I was prepared for it. With any luck, my headaches will improve. I really do hope.

And in other good news, I've lost ten pounds and counting. I'm on a new diet, eliminating practically everything that tastes good... dairy goods, red meat, fried things... all in the name of lowering my skyrocketing cholesterol. I was poked and bled on Friday, so I'll find out soon if the last two months were all in vain or not. This new medicine is also supposed to drop pounds from me... anywhere from fifteen to twenty-five. I only hope. And the absense of birth control should lower another ten pounds. Progestin has been shown to raise cholesterol levels, so that went also. I just really hope that I don't lose weight in my breasts... cause they're so nice how they are now. I really enjoy being a large C-cup.

awake with the urge to type

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 13:07:33 GMT

Maybe things are improving. I can't be sure, but I actually had a moment of pure bliss Wednesday morning. I had this brief moment when I stopped, and closed my eyes, and I did not have a headache! That was the first time in at least two months that I could not hear the sound of a drum pounding in my ears. I was so happy. Of course, being happy was a brief moment, also. I did go to the psychiatrist like I said I would be. He says that I have major depression. I'm still not taking antidepressants, though. Maybe I won't need to. The last time I was really depressed, counseling helped me out of it. So, I hope this time will be the same. That last time was in 2002, after certain things happened. Before I met Larry. I don't have the energy to get into it again. I have felt better the past couple of days, after the moment of nirvana (angels singing, not territorial pissings, silly people). I'm still crying at weird, random moments. My stupid biological clock made me cry last night. I was in the living room watching Ugly Betty (a great show, btw), and this commercial comes on for a Leap Frog system for toddlers. It shows this family.. mom, dad, two little bitty kids, playing with the system and learning together. And I cry because of it. *sigh* I'm also hoping that being less of a hermit will help me, also. I haven't hung out with any of my friends, at work I close the door to my office and don't talk to anyone (except Donna and Evelyn when they're in the office, too), and when I'm not at work I end up just sitting around at home. I stare at the TV or computer, not really interested in doing anything or watching anything. I'm not at the "write bad angst-filled poetry" phase again, which is good. However, it's more like the "curl into a ball and sleep all day" phase. I'm not sure which is worse.

life goes on

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 23:10:58 GMT

I feel just marvelous. Seriously. All my depression-type things have come back something fierce. I cry for no reason, sometimes for a reason. Larry killed a baby lion in WOW last night and I almost started crying because of that. A fucking pixelated lion. Yeah. So, I've started therapy again. I have a month's supply of antidepressants, but I doubt I'll take any of it. The lady in neurology gave it to me, saying it would help with the headaches and the depression. When questioned about side effects, she only says that I might get a stomach ache. You should see the metric assload of side effects this medicine has. Some of the stuff I could deal with, but once I saw "sexual side effects", I was done. I go to a psychiatrist first thing on Monday to see what he says. My new counselor guy set it up for me. We still haven't unpacked, which I'm sure is my fault for sitting online all damn day on my Friday off instead of doing something. I just don't have the energy or the will to do anything. I don't have the energy to call anyone, or the desire to go out and do anything. Work is really hard. I can barely get through each day. Between the constant headaches, apathy towards the job, and general depression, I can barely function. Once I go out and see my consumers, I'm okay, but I have to get myself to the point where I have the mental energy to call people and set up appointments. I don't want to work anymore, but I don't have a choice. We couldn't afford for me not to work. It's been two months since I've talked to my brother. He won't return my calls. I tried again today, and I hope he will call me back, but I don't know. I don't know what I did wrong to make him stop calling me. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Of course, all the weight issues are there, so I won't bother complaining about something that I've complained about for years. All I want is to feel better about myself. I hate how I am now. I hate myself.

omg! an update!

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 23:33:15 GMT

Wow. No, seriously. I'm updating, and that seems to be a rare occurance lately. Please forgive me.

Larry and I have moved into our new apartment, and are slowly settling in. I love living in Upland, but I find myself disliking this complex more and more. The place looks calm and peaceful walking through on a Saturday morning from where you park to the manager's office and back, but being here on a Friday or Saturday night, and you get a completely different picture. It turns out this place is rather ghetto, but I probably shouldn't be surprised considering it is walking distance from a Wal-Mart. I do have a few gripes about the apartment itself, but they are not many. It's been hard figuring out where to put all of my girly bathroom products since we have much less bathroom storage space in this apartment. Bathroom furniture is kinda pricey, so we haven't gotten anything yet. And, there is the lack of a dishwasher. We were told there would be one, but lo and behold, no dishwasher. The maintenance supervisor told us to give him two weeks and we would have one. That was two weeks ago.

Another really sucky thing is that we can't just go over to Tristan's any time we want to hang out for a couple hours here and there. I miss that. We did, however, go to Joe's for sushi a week ago, which was nice. It was Larry and I, Tristan, Ian, and Jen and Tom. Jen turns out to be not nearly as irritating as I previously believed her to be, and, well, Tom just looks girlish. We may be doing Joe's again for lunch on Saturday, which is awesome. I'm always up for good sushi.

We have had Southern California Edison as our electric company for only a short time, and I'm already irritated with them (Riverside has their own electric company). I received a "final" notice on Aug. 7^th, this past Monday, dated on Aug. 4^th, claiming that my power would be turned off if I did not provide them with my deposit by Aug. 11^th, this coming Friday. I never received a second notice, or even an initial statement, so I call those wankers up to see what is going on. The girl I get claims that the statement was mailed on July 22^nd. We never received that, obviously. What really irritates me is that they never even bothered to send a second notice. Is it normal for an agency to send a final "pay us or else you'll be eating by flashlight" notice less than two weeks after the initial statement was sent? That seems a little harsh, don't you think? And what was even better is that they do not even give you the option of mailing in your payment at that point. You have to go to some payment center that is only open from 10am until 5pm Monday through Friday. That certainly makes it hard on a working person to pay a bill when only given four days of notice. The girl put a week's extension on it so I could have the "privilege" of mailing my payment in for my deposit. Ugh.

at long last...

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:46:33 GMT

I know, I know, it took me forever. But, here you are.

let the abuse begin

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 21:54:41 GMT

I'm going to bend over now, and anyone that wants to spank me for not updating is welcome to.

*erin gets beat*

Okay, anyway. Now that that's taken care of.

Larry and I have been busy doing that newlywed thing. Well, not entirely. Work is draining both of us, mostly Larry with 10 hours shifts all this month. My work is the same as always. I'm actually at home now because I feel horrible. Cramps and all of that.

We found a new apartment, which we are thankfully moving to next month. We're going to be pretentious now, moving to the "West End". It's a very nice area. All the stuff I need is centralized, unlike Riverside where I have to drive for half an hour to get anywhere. I like the idea of living in a smaller city. Should be nice. Larry will be closer to work, but I will have to drive farther. It shouldn't be that bad, though. Just an extra fifteen miles from the new apartment to work, so I will be travelling 25 instead of 10 miles. It's a much nicer apartment, also. We nearly double our square footage. I might actually not feel embarassed about having people over.

Our wedding pictures are in. Once I get a chance, I will be scanning the better ones. There are some very nice pictures, but the majority are just okay. I'm a bit disappointed. The engagement pictures were so pretty, and I had expected the wedding pictures to be the same. Maybe I'm just disillusioned, hoping they would be grander than they turned out to be. Still, there are ones that I like. You will see them, too, once I get to it.

on pregnancy and paranoia

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 12:11:26 GMT

Like I mentioned before, I'm not pregnant. I knew I wasn't, I knew that I couldn't be at this point in time. I knew that it was, in theory, only a 0.01% chance that I could be. But, in true fashion, once one of my co-workers implanted that thought into my head, it was the only thing I could think of. I dwelled on it all month, all the way until my period started last week. Try as I might, it was all I thought of. Damn paranoid tendencies. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it to be true. On top of that hope, I also didn't want it to be true. I know we can't afford to have children yet; we don't have the square footage or the necessary finances. However, when it came down to it, I was really disappointed. I was thuroughly upset for two days. I'm alright now, still using my birth control like a good girl. There isn't really a point to this post, I guess, besides just unloading some of the thoughts I have in my head. Maybe it's a public service announcement, so those of you that need to can mentally prepare for the idea of Larin breeding and producing offspring.

soon, my precious

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 04:00:26 GMT

Wedding pictures will be here shortly for your viewing pleasure.

I swear they will.

But, "shortly" may turn out to be relative.

i know...

Fri, 19 May 2006 03:08:31 GMT

Once again, I go at least two weeks without posting anything. It's always my intention to post more. I would every day, in fact, but life and work seems to get in the way. Things like work and life always get in the way of that. When you sit in front of the computer 12 hours every day, like I used to, it's easy to post once a day. Twice, even. But alas, I can't do that anymore.

I still intend to give a good retelling of the wedding, but I think I might wait until there are pictures to show off with it. When I think about it, I strive to only remember the good aspects of the wedding and not what went wrong. This goes against my nature because I have my tent resting on the extreme edge of the "glass is half empty" camp, but I truly am trying. But, I was told that it would have been bad luck if everything had gone smoothly and without incident.

Also, I will do what I always do and give an excuse for why I haven't posted recently. I had been sick. A week ago I was in urgent care for most of the evening. My stomach had been bothering me for a few days, slight nauseous feelings, and then I started getting dizzy. Before anyone suggests it, no. I am not pregnant. Plenty of people thought that, including the nurses and doctor, but I tested negative. The dizzyness subsided, but my stomach continued to have a weird upset feeling for another week or so. Yesterday I felt it after dinner (I shouldn't have had something with as much flavor as pad thai), but today I feel sorta better. We shall see what happens.

we did it

Wed, 03 May 2006 01:40:39 GMT

Larry and I are now married! :)

Isn't that the craziest thing ever?

Saturday was truly amazing. I know Larry and I enjoyed ourselves, and I hope everyone else did, too. The ceremony was beautiful, Kate did an awesome job. I cried through the vows, barely able to say them. It was all that overflowing happy-type stuff. We don't have any pictures yet, otherwise I would post some already.

Yeah, some things went wrong, things I couldn't control. But, it is bad luck if everything goes as it should, so I guess we're good.

In short, a truly wonderful wedding. I intend to post a decent-sized update recounting the wedding, but give me a couple of days. We just returned from our mini-honeymoon, and my brain isn't functioning properly. ;)

wow

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 22:30:24 GMT

Two days, and I will be married.

That's pretty heavy.

I have had absolutely no time to do anything that isn't wedding related. That includes keeping LJ updated. Well, no, I take that back. I did make a MySpace account. If you happen to have a page over there, be sure to add me to your friends.

Unfortunately, I only have time for a small update. I have to get ready for our wedding rehersal and subsequent redneck BBQ dinner.

roll call

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 04:05:54 GMT

Well, I'm here. I should apologize for not updating and worrying people considering how I felt when I posted last and the content of said post, but no one seems to be even slightly worried about me. So, I guess I won't be apologizing.

I continue to not feel well. It's been a roller-coaster since the episode with behaviors long since buried occurred. I was very close to a nervous breakdown this week. All of a sudden, on Sunday I believe, I got extremely nervous. A girl who's main goal in life from the age of fifteen on was to get married and be a housewife eating bon-bons and watching Oprah, suddenly gets cold feet. I'm excited to be marrying Larry, don't doubt that. But I just get so nervous about everything to come after. Will I even be a good wife? Will I get increasingly more and more neurotic, making Larry sick of me within a few months? What will happen once we have children? Am I even physically capable of having children? Is the world ready to face that prospect? I don't know... there's just so many questions, concerns, and random paranoia roaming through my head. I know it's not the Gemini talking... Gemini run from commitment, and I absolutely hate being single. It's that mix of Cancer and Pisces I have in all those emotional places. That combo makes me super emotional, and then you add the fact that there is two of me, four if you count Gemini in Mars. And then you combine genetics, and I'm just plain crazy.

I'm sure it's normal to be nervous before getting married, but damn. It's like a chicken running around without a head, just going in circles blindly. That's how I feel right now. I don't know which way to go next, what to do, how to stop feeling this way. Larry and I had a good talk last night, so I am feeling better about some things. I just need to figure out a way to stop the sick, nervous feeling, and make all those endless questions go away.

hitting bottom

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 05:58:20 GMT

Sorry. I know I say that a lot, but I am. Things have been really up and down, and you must forgive me if I don't go into details right now.

Today, I think was rock bottom. It was really bad, and I never want to be like that again.

With any luck, it will only get better from here.